How To Become A Bro
Do you feel you’ve tried everything to become a bro? Are you feeling down in the dumps because you can’t shotgun a beer? Or afford Ed Hardy? Well put down the Axe Body Spray and put on your fancy shoes because I am about to change your life. If you follow my 5 step program I can promise you will be Bro gliding through the rest of your life.
When you wake up in the morning just think again and then don’t. Yep that’s right press the fucking snooze. Do you want to know why because bros show up late I don’t care where you’re going, the grocery store? Show up after they close. A funeral? Why even bother. Honestly if you don’t wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy just go back to sleep and try again tomorrow. So I think you get the point, congratulations you are one step closer to becoming a bro.
So you finally wake up after snoozing yourself well into the dinner hours, congratulations, but now you have to pee and since at this point you are probably an ill experienced bro you may be a bit confused on what to do next. Well the answer is simple, but I am going to give it to you in quiz form. Ready?
- Do you walk straight to the bathroom and urinate in the toilet or
- Do you go to a nerdier kids doorstep and pee on it.
If you chose option B I could not be more proud. It’s a commonly know fact that a true bro is driven by what makes a better story as opposed to doing the “Right” thing.
Don’t listen to anything females say. Yep that’s right literally not one word. I don’t care if your girlfriends Grandma died. I am expecting you to sit there silently until she’s convinced that you are mentally retarded. Then finally when she walks I want you to say one phrase similar to “Babe it’s fine the Bears won.” Then walk away chanting “Urlacher rules.”
This step is more commonly known as “Toning her down a notch”
Literally kill somebody…No I’m kidding, but seriously lift weights until you are pretty sure you can kill somebody. You probably think I’m kidding, but if you could see my face right now you’d know this is very serious. I think that’s enough said for that step.
The fifth and final step drink alcohol. I’m not talking just casually drink 12 or 13 beers daily. No, I want to see some form of tequila pouring into some orifice of your body at all points of the day and don’t give that I don’t feel good blah blah blah I have alcohol poisoning non sense. You just keep taking it like a bro and eventually you will be a bro.
Now if you are not a bro after you gone through all of the steps I advise you to take up knitting or basket weaving because bro nature is not cut out for you. It’s a tough world and it will eat you up and eat out if you’re a pussy. So get it together and bro on.